Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Changing lanes, I'm moving on

When I write something and choose to share it online, I usually assume maybe a few close friends and family are reading. On this blog particularly, I shared A LOT. Some would argue too much. I mostly agree. Occasionally I've gone back to this blog and I discover something I can hardly believe I wrote. I'm not ashamed, but I'm also not that person anymore. I used this blog as its title, "My Voice." And that it was. Today as I skimmed through the 80+ posts and drafts I had here, I saw the very clear dissent from insecurity and masking - to revealing depression - to uninhibited, harsh mania - back to depression - back to seeming normalcy - back to depression, etc. etc. It's obviously hard for me to see that- to remember and relive all of the ups, downs and in-betweens. I thought nobody really read my ramblings, I mean, who could even keep up? But as I browsed the stats, I was shocked to see I had tens of thousands of views. For a simply psycho young lady, that's quite a following! I do want people to read my work. I want people to grow to know me through this medium most fitting for me. But now that I have changed and have grasped the reality my previous writing displayed, I want to move forward. I want readers to get to know the me I am now. Have I done and said stupid things in the past? Hell yes. But I hope as I continue, my work will be a help to others, not just a venting bitchfest for myself. I can't take back the hurt and confusion I may have caused some people, but I can easily remove the evidence here. Sure, these are archived, people could have screenshot or printed them, but at least they aren't here anymore.

This isn't a negative action I'm taking. Despite the upset some of my previous posts bring, I also see something quite beautiful. My writing has grown and taken many turns. A huge part of that growth is the massive amount of writing I have done. Be it sad, benign or insane, I wrote and wrote and wrote. The words transferred from my emotional turmoil to paper (or blog). I'm sure my breakdowns could have been more numerous and more intense if ALL of that was still stuck inside. All of that is out now. I still have the drafts for myself, but for now, my readers can move forward with me in the healthier direction my life is headed.

My more recent, and hopefully more uplifting work can be found here:
If you are a trooper (which you'd have to be if you've kept up with my writing), you can continue to follow me there. Thanks to those out there who did take the time to read, whether it be to understand me, to make fun of me or maybe even to learn something about yourself. 


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